Where I am Today

Sometimes the things I think will be hard aren’t really as difficult as my mind makes them out to be.  Being the only adult around a lot of the time, I have had to test this theory quite a bit.  I manage to get the garbage out on time every week.  I can put three kids to bed at night with relative ease.  I can go to the grocery store with three kids in tow. I can make all the meals and do all the dishes.  I can even handle all the yardwork.

Sometimes I feel awesome.  Look what I can do all by myself!
But then there are the things that are actually harder than I had hoped they would be. My bank account dipped to a negative $8.00 this morning.  My divorce, after taking more than a year to even be finalized, still keeps presenting me with loose ends.  Trying to singlehandedly run a business that allows me to be a stay at home is insane. I have to sleep with my cell phone in hand at night and I jump at every noise. 
Sometimes I feel like this isn’t fair.  I shouldn’t have to do everything all by myself.
And then there are the things that are so black and so scary that I don’t dare think about them too long for fear they will suck me into a vortex of hopeless despair. 
I have a big debt, brought on by the circumstances of my divorce, that feels impossible – totally, enormously, incredibly impossible.  I still let the worries for my kids’wellbeing and safety get to me in a huge way.  I don’t want to be alone forever (and that is hard to admit to myself, let alone say it out loud).

Sometimes I feel like I can’t do it. This is never going to work. 

Most of the time I realize I have a choice.  Am I going to be awesome today?  Am I going to focus on what is right, on what I can do, on all that I have already accomplished?  Most of the time I make the right choice.

Sometimes I wake up and all I want to do is cry.

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