Sometimes the things I think will be hard aren’t really as difficult as my mind makes them out to be. Being the only adult around a lot of the time, I have had to test this theory quite a bit. I manage to get the garbage out on time every week. I can put three kids to bed at night with relative ease. I can go to the grocery store with three kids in tow. I can make all the meals and do all the dishes. I can even handle all the yardwork.
Sometimes I feel awesome. Look what I can do all by myself!
But then there are the things that are actually harder than I had hoped they would be. My bank account dipped to a negative $8.00 this morning. My divorce, after taking more than a year to even be finalized, still keeps presenting me with loose ends. Trying to singlehandedly run a business that allows me to be a stay at home is insane. I have to sleep with my cell phone in hand at night and I jump at every noise.
Sometimes I feel like this isn’t fair. I shouldn’t have to do everything all by myself.
And then there are the things that are so black and so scary that I don’t dare think about them too long for fear they will suck me into a vortex of hopeless despair.
I have a big debt, brought on by the circumstances of my divorce, that feels impossible – totally, enormously, incredibly impossible. I still let the worries for my kids’wellbeing and safety get to me in a huge way. I don’t want to be alone forever (and that is hard to admit to myself, let alone say it out loud).
Sometimes I feel like I can’t do it. This is never going to work.
Most of the time I realize I have a choice. Am I going to be awesome today? Am I going to focus on what is right, on what I can do, on all that I have already accomplished? Most of the time I make the right choice.
Sometimes I wake up and all I want to do is cry.
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