One of Those Days

Yesterday sent me bad news.

I couldn’t go more than 10 minutes at a time without crying and I had to keep running to the garage to do it so I didn’t freak my kids out.  It was bleak.

And now here I am, still awake at 4 A.M. letting my mind wander away in fear and worry, feeling all the heartbreak and concern.  I pulled up a blank page and a blinking cursor thinking that maybe I could put words to the ache and make some sense of it all. 

I was looking for peace.

But as my fingers put words to the mess of emotions, I realized that I wasn’t going to make sense of anything. It’s too big, too messy, and I’m still right in the middle of it all.  I felt the tears, the anxiety coming again, and then it hit me:

I am still here.

It wasn’t what I had hoped to find, but it was a peaceful thought all the same.  I spent yesterday stuck somewhere between hoplessness and despair, but I still managed to wash the dishes, and wash the laundry, and make all the smoothies and sandwiches and muffins requested.  And that is how it has been since everything fell apart.

Things have broken down around me.  I have broken down.  And I am still here.

I have experienced all the break downs – emotionally, physically, spiritually, financially – but there is something so persevering in me, in my relationship with my soul, in my desire and passion to live fullly that I just keep going. 

I have found myself saying in the vortex of my trials that I wish this wasn’t my life, that this wasn’t the way things were supposed to happen, that this wasn’t my plan at all.  I never imagined myself in this place.  I never imagined this life for myself.   But here I am.

I’ve tried praying for things to be different.  But life just keeps unfolding in its own way.

Yesterday things felt broken all over again.  Today, the prayer in my heart is for peace, whatever comes my way; for courage, whatever comes my way; for lessons learned, whatever happens. 

Today I am grateful for all the pieces.

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